Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
