I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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