What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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