I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
