I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
