just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
