also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
