I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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