If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
