The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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