you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
