he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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