Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
