She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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