So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
