Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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