Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize