My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Such a big mess for such a small penis
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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