i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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