I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
