just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
