In the future we'll all be gay
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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