dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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