so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
