Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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