I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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