I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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