If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
