Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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