I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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