2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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