well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
