so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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