I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
