i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If I die, sorry about rent.
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