i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
