my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
