Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
