remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
