Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
