Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
