just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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