Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
