Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
