i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
