A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
