I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
