dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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