would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
