Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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