My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
