i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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