now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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