I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Oh god it's open bar.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
