my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
