He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
